Show me the way

Looking back over my last entry, reading it over and looking at it from a fresh perspective, I admit it does seem pretty melancholy.  Partly, because it is, and that was my frame of mind when I wrote it.  And partly because I've been told that no matter what I do, or where I go, I will probably never be happy.

I don't know if it's so much not being happy as not finding my focus, or knowing if I am indeed heading in the right direction, in my life.  When I think about all of the times I was asked, "What do you want to do/be when you grow up?" the only honest answer I could give was, "I don't know."  There was never any real push to seek a skill and for many years most of what I did was what I though I would enjoy or felt that, at the time at least, I really wanted to do.  I was told to develop a core set of skills so you could have something to fall back on should an option not work out as planned.  The only problem with that is in doing so, there's no real opportunity to develop proficiency to a level that makes you desirable or employable.

I've looked back at all the jobs I've ever held.  Yes, there's a lot of them, and in varying fields based on what I was doing at the time.  I've analyzed the best and worst traits of each, and there are a couple of common threads.  Of all the jobs, I liked the driving part of them the best.  It was nice to be out and away from any type of office politics, be somewhat on your own, knowing what you had to do and getting it done with little or no real direct supervision.  The parts I thought were the worst were the periods away from home for long periods of time, with no real decompression time and very little time off.

I am now locked into a job that combines the best and worst in one tidy package.

In a few short days I will have to be ready to hit the road yet again and complete training.  This time out is supposed to be shorter, with less home time following, after which I could either be granted the opportunity to head out on my own or told I won't make it.  I have no reason to intentionally torpedo my chances so I will give it my best shot and let the chips fall where they may -- if I fail, it won't be for lack of effort on my part.

The hard truth of the matter is I don't want to go.  An even harder truth is that I have to.  This is the conflict I will be wrestling with and trying to contain as I put on a brave face and soldier on as I am supposed to.

I've looked at local want-ads and I don't think I'm going to do that any more while I'm home.  All the jobs in my field require at least a year of experience, and at my age it's way too late to change careers and start fresh.  I wouldn't even know where to start.

And that's where things stand.  I will continue to do my best and I can only hope it's good enough.  It doesn't mean I'm going to be happy about it, but for now it's all I have.